G-d’s Will About Wells

By Rabbi Netanyahu Schlepper

When a desert tribe encounters a well that lacks a bucket, the Talmud directs that all who go on two legs shall each draw a straw; but those with big mouths shall draw two; and the obese, whose buttocks would plug the well, shall draw none, but shall stand by. The drawer of the shortest straw shall be heaved head first into the well, and dangled by the rope long enough to fill her mouth, and she shall hold her water whilst the tribe hauls her forth. She my wipe her lips clean of the slime that coats the well, before spewing her water from her lips into the mouths of the young camels, then old ones. The tribe shall repeatedly hurl her into the well until she has watered, mouth-to-mouth, every camel, goat, sheep, donkey, dog, chicken, man, woman, and child of the tribe. Should G-D fill not just her mouth, but her lungs, with water, then the obese, whose buttocks would plug the well, shall sit upon her breast until her lungs vomit forth her water, which shall be collected in skins. But if she drowns, or bursts from the weight of the obese, straws shall be drawn again, and yet again, until all the tribe is watered.

And, when next the tribe reaches an oasis, the morons shall buy a bucket, and carry it thenceforth.
So does G-d command.

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