I’m writing this slowly, because I know you can’t read very fast. To tell the truth, I’m quite famous. I’ve been called a great suppository of wisdom. When I get together with other sages, I stand out like a maxilla, a fontanel. My pondering includes many deep and numismatic things, and many callosities. I have become a bronchus in the world of Jewish thought. Everybody knows that being good is something you should do more of, and stop filching olives off the display at King Soopers… to be really good is to stop calling me on the phone when I’m trying to take a nap after lunch. The seven good things are:
- Don’t make too much noise when visiting strangers are trying to take a nap after lunch.
- Don’t try to prove you know more than they do by quoting books at them. Most of those authors don’t know the difference between a ‘Pe’ and a pit bull, especially Rabbi Schlepper, who thinks he’s a gift to the world, when that gift is what banks used to give depositors who opened new accounts.
- When she asks, don’t tell her she looks fat – tell her she is fat and to get over it.
- Always be kind to people you owe money to.
- Never say you don’t know something. Saying that makes people lose confidence in you. You don’t know? Accuse them of asking stupid questions. Alternately, make it up, then get quickly to the bookcase and look it up, and deny you said what you said before.
- Don’t go to any of Rabbi Schlepper’s parties. This isn’t really a virtue, just good advice, so you get an extra.
- Try to tell the truth at least once a day.
- Don’t eat a lot of carbohydrates. I don’t know why*, but everybody says so.
*I know that saying I don’t know in #8 contradicts virtue #5, but you shouldn’t be critical of your elders and smarters. Who do you think you are? Sit down and be quiet!
If you need reading matter, my book, Kabbalah for Dummies, is on the side table in the study. Run right out and get one – at $15.95 it’s a terrific bargain.